This is my December, this is my time of the year
This is my December, this is all so clear
This is my December, this is my snow covered home
This is my December, this is me alone
I have a confession to make. It’s something that I have hidden for the longest time. Something that took me years to realize. I tried my best to fight it but it just won’t go away like some heart ache that won’t go away. I couldn’t take it any more. I really have to say it.
I hate Decembers.
For five years that I have been working, Decembers became a yearly dread. Not the there’s-a-zombie-behind-you-run scared but the I-hope-it-never-happens-this-year scared. I tried to psyche myself into thinking that everything would be fine, everything would be great, that this is just a phase. Yet it’s still there. For five years, I hated Decembers and all the mental anguish it has to offer.
And I’d give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to
Sure, December has parties, family days, hang outs with friends, gifts, food, vacation. All those stuff would make December always great. I am no Scrooge who would go BAH HUMBUG at every Christmas greeter or a Grinch who would steal away the Christmas joys or whatever is there. I just felt that every December ghosts haunt me.
This is my December
These are my snow covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need
Past: I blogged about it before and I thought that was it. I can’t escape that Christmas article left unwritten. It’s regret plus resentment for not writing that piece. I couldn’t figure out why every December this puny ghost haunts me. It might be a small matter, but my mind seem unable to get off it.
Present: December curse for therapists. Work half the month and starve the next half. This month is such a pain in the finances. For five years that I have been working, I find myself always struggling to make ends meet during this month. I did try to save up, but the expenses are really higher at around this time that it just won’t cut it. Gifts have to be given away to kids, family, friends and other well wishers. Sometimes I wish Christmas would not be so cruel as to force you to give gifts. They say love is the best gift, well, I’m willing to give that anytime, anything not to spend too much on Decembers.
Future: The mere thought that December is the end of the year is scary. It’s like staring through a thick veil. You cannot see what the future holds. Although you really cannot see what’s beyond the next day, the next month or the next year, the mere idea that anything can happen the next year is too much stress.
OK so everything is just on my mind. So what?